How I Grew My Substack from 10 Subscribers to 600 in 3 Months

4 Growth Secrets the Marketing Teams DON'T Want You to Know (+ some housekeeping)

There’s no easy way to put it: inflation is high, economy is low, Substack is now responsible for putting the food on the table for millions of families across the world. But with great responsibility comes power, and also problems, which is why new growth strategies are necessary. Matters are made worse by the election season - which, as my sources at the tippy top of the academic hierarchy tell me, is a doozy.

So when people come to hear that I make a net loss of 13 dollars a month on the Stack (shorthand for the phrase “I do a lot of writing on Substack; it’s sort of like social media for writers, readers, and newsletters,” which is what you’re always repeating to everyone over 49), they invariably fold their arms, revealing the elbow pads on their tweed jackets, and whisper ‘What is the secret?’.

What follows are very serious lessons. Ones I’ve had to learn the hard way, but mainly the easy way, because they are intuitive (the kind of knowledge that’s a priori - a Tom Cruise movie that concerned some kind of minority report and came out when I was five years old, and that I’ve never seen, and only came to mind because minority rhymes with priori, but not all the way):

1.    Offer Compensation

DM 600 people and offer 6 USD if they subscribe. Don’t have 6 USD? Don’t worry; most Substack writers have never had as many as 6 dollars at one time.

Solution: keep saying “must be some kind of mixup with my accountant, who is real” whenever they ask. Copy & paste same message if further pressed.

One friend of mine offers raffles for inordinate sums of cash for ppl who subscribe and then ghosts them. But I find that to be unethical, because I didn’t think of it first, and it is lying, which despite what your progressive youth pastor whose whole persona is summed up in 2016 fashion says, is sin.

2.    Pine for Sympathy Subscribes

Talk at length about how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when “Ted Gioia keep taking all your subscribers.” It is 2024, and people are sad; sadness is the emotion that is easiest to extort, which is why Adam Smith said the invisible hand drove the economy: it was too sad to stay visible, so it drove away its friends: the economy.

3.    Complain Often About Substack

One surefire way to gain loads of subscribers is by frequently slandering the platform those subscribers have chosen to spend their time on.

4.    Cattle

Most common mistake I see by far. When I ask writers how many cattle they’re sacrificing per month, the answer is always one – maybe two at most. I says to them, there’s your problem! Gotta get those numbers up, pal. That anyone thinks they’ll be able to attract favor from the old gods, let alone the new, without biweekly ritual animal sacrifices is beyond me.

Think about it like a funnel system: 1 cattle = 5 free subscribers + 1 paid subscriber.

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Some Housekeeping…

Yeah I don’t know what’s wrong with me either. My wife didn’t laugh once when she read this, and I still went for it.

Anyways: after three months of churning out overly long essays every Wednesday at 7:20am, I need a week off. I have to work on my dissertation, meet a few deadlines for some publications I’m deeply excited to work with, and prepare the curriculum for my first ever college course next month.

But it’s been a great run.

Also, I’m turning on paid subscriptions.

But they’re not going to do anything. Like, anything extra. Than what you’re all already getting.

I’m turning on the option to go paid if you’d like, but I’m not going to put anything behind a paywall.

I don’t have any issues with that model. I would just prefer that people in my own financial situation (making a passable wage but having to stick to a tight budget) wouldn’t have to think twice if they could swing a paid subscription if they’re genuinely interested in reading my content.

Alsox2, I love writing on here. I’ve been writing six days a week for almost 5 years and I can genuinely say that these past 3 months of writing on Substack has been the most fun I’ve had in that timeframe. I’d rather not mess with a good thing

Also x3: there’s some great research about the difference between “extrinsic motivation” - which is when we’re motivated to do things through external sources like work obligation, laws, or, in this case, paywalls - and “intrinsic motivation” - which is when we’re motivated to do something out of sheer desire, curiosity, and joy. I know myself well enough to know that the moment motivations start turning extrinsic, I lose interest. I genuinely feel like an excited golden retriever when I log on to Substack; and (again), I don’t want to mess with a good thing.

So, I’m turning it on just as a way to say that, if you feel like this ongoing project has enriched your life in any way, you can feel free to donate. And at this point, all revenue will probably be funneled straight to FAFSA.

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Lastly — or “Also x4”— this is a very fresh idea, but I’ve recently been pretty bummed out about how the only time you hear about churches or Christians in the media, it's either concerning a scandal, moral failure, or some Christian nationalist atrocity. So, I really would like to collect stories about churches or Christians performing basic acts of kindness or altruism. Nothing too over the top — as in, “this group from Delaware started a 20,000 person revival.” Even though that would be cool, I’m more interested in just highlighting simple acts of service like “Church supports grieving family,” or “Friends host appreciation party for lonely congregant.”

It would be in the vein of John Krasinki’s “Some Good News” or David Byrne’s “Reasons to Be Cheerful.” I’m not sure if I would want to start a whole new publication or just do a side project with this one, but I’m really craving those kinds of stories. I think it would look like guest submissions of stories each week, probably no more than 3-500 words. Still a few months off (probably) from something like that, but just thought it sounded nice.

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You all bring me a lot of joy. I know Substack is technically a pseudo-community and I only know like 3 of you in real life, but it’s been genuinely so fun to hear from so many of you and keep up with all your work. Very thankful.