You write, "So then, rather than give up or get cynical, I’ve tried to keep a new question in focus: how do we build deep enough commitments that we stick with our communities through thick and thin?"
I know this isn't a popular answer in our current cultural moment, but I think that something that helps is not being able to so easily leave a community. One way that communities were held together in the past was through geography, and the often insurmountable costs of moving away from a geographically-bound community.
No man is an island, as you note, but I live on a very small island. It's not like it's impossible to come and go, but it's much harder than it is in, say, the continental USA. I think this helps us to love our neighbors more.
One especially vivid example: in 2020, our island's response to pre-vaccine, pre-drug COVID was to shut down external travel to the island. So you could leave, but it was difficult (not impossible) to come back. This did allow us to live in a COVID-free bubble, with just five cases between January 2020 and December 2021. There was no masking, social distancing, lockdowns, etc. So, that was cool--but it also meant that no one could really go anywhere, and our tourist-sector economy was really suffering.
So what do you do with the neighbor who's really getting on your nerves with his horrible music? Invite him to play at the party you're throwing. What do you say to the neighbor who you're fighting with over vaccinations? That you would be honored to help with her community-wide cleanup. It's not like you have anything else to do, or anyone else to hang out with. You'd better learn to love your neighbor, or you will be really bored.
Wow that’s truly such a good point. I’ve never considered the way spatial/geographical smallness could bolster relationships but that’s such a good point. Thanks so much for sharing this!!
Thank you, Griffin! I wrote more about connections with real life people on my island (vs. online interactions) and loving people in a community despite their faults here:
Love these insights. I have been thinking along the same lines when considering generosity. For pretty much my entire life I’ve heard some version of “if Christians only gave more”, almost always with the undercurrent being Christians aren’t generous enough - or greedy. I think rather than more law (you should do more) we need more joy (giving is better than receiving). And a key component to experiencing this joy is relational giving (less people between your gift and the recipient). That’s my hypothesis anyways :)
this is amazing. Thank you. I am a priest, and I'm always trying to share what I call 'practical theology'. Not the academics, but why should people care that God exists, that God loves them. What does this have to do with their everyday lives. I SO appreciate your practical theology here.
Wonderful deep dive! Community and suffering. That checks out in my experience!
A site I haven't read lately, but ten years ago I would read their every post, is Spiritual Friendship. Same sex attracted Christians, Catholic, Orthodox, and some Protestants, who know that God has called them to celibacy (or heterosexual marriage). They write beautifully, achingly, about friendship and lived Christian community. One story, I think from Westley Hill, though I can't remember now, was of a family who befriended an older woman in their apartment complex and adopted her as a grandmother to their children. When they were offered a job promotion in another state they said, "We couldn't move away and leave her." And they didn't.
Spiritual Friendship had many stories of single people and families living intertwined lives (sometimes as housemates even), where the single person becomes like an aunt or uncle to the children and the married couple are like siblings to the single person. Reading these stories inspired us to be open to housemates in our married lives. We had one housemate for four months as she was moving away to get married and one for nine months, as she was moving into our town to get married. Now that we have kids we haven't had another housemate, but we've hosted weekend guests we've never met before a number of times, often an out of town boyfriend or girlfriend of someone we know.
Once we found our community, we have made a commitment to this place (and to a few block neighborhood) and have not taken job offers that would be much more lucrative, but would require us to move. Quite the opposite, I convinced my brother to move here and my mother to move here. We've had other people tell us that coming to Friday dinner and Bible Study and finding this community of friends caused them to turn down prestigious job offers far away, because what could compare to the Christian community we have here? It's moving to hear them express what this community has meant to them!
This was excellent Griffin -- and I loved that you take the conversation beyond dopamine to oxytocin! It's true, we may be influenced a lot by our hormones, but those hormones reflect our real world behavior and relationships. Investing in the 'deeper' things means getting access to that 'deeper' contentment hormone that makes us all happy. I especially love the story from the study about the man and his wife and the many ups and downs -- and how they're still very happy. It shows that there is a 'peace that surpasses all understanding.' I'm going to be thinking about all this for a while! And thanks for the shout out!!
As I read this, I thought of something I once heard Matthew McConaughey say: "Reality is a bit of an underdog right now."
I start to notice that the organic things in my life don't satisfy me like that which is synthetic. My real relationships aren't as charming and amusing as a sitcom. Sexuality isn't as intense and passionate as what's portrayed on a screen. Even nature isn't as awe-inspiring as the photos when you factor in the volume of other tourists you have to contend with.
Where I'm often left is questioning why I should even get out of bed when I can pump digital-dopamine directly into the veins of my cognition without all of the hassle. The answer I've found, is because I've created a poor metric for what matters in life. What matters, and as you've thoroughly illustrated, is not merely satiation of my neurochemical cravings- it's to connect to something beyond myself. To God, to people, to the world. Not because it's easy, but because it's actually real. Because I'm called to die to myself, and that can't happen if I'm unrealized potential, just waiting for my next fix of fleeting satisfaction. And this is the real tragedy of addiction- it not only comes about because of disconnection and alienation, but it can cause a loss of appetite for meaning and connection altogether.
I appreciate your efforts to elucidate an antidote.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Ian! I'm so sorry if the neurochemical satiation bit has been a struggle for you. I can personally relate to that so much. I'll be praying that you find that kind of intentional community. And I also appreciate your feedback so very much.
Thanks for this article. It makes me want to read the rest of the series.
I'm a couple months from 70, and have a wife and 6 children that I'm not close to. And have a genuine faith, but it's primarily academic and theological. So all this talk of meaningful relationships hits home. I have 5 friends, but only interact with them every couple months, so while the friendships are genuine, they aren't necessarily supportive. I've got a near obsession with writing an autobiography to tell my kids all the things I wish I had said when they were young. But I think it's primarily a substitute for relational closeness, and more for my own therapudic benefit than anything they will appreciate.
Fascinating study, also fascinating comment on it.
There are so many ways God has permitted, nay encouraged, us to do this-to give up our attraction to material things, to value the unseen [like relationships], to set aside time for useless things like worship and fellowship. A decidedly secular voice reinforces what God's already told us to do. [Of course, as soon as you insert "God" into people get their hackles up.]
This is a great article, particularly the longevity study--especially the narrative of the family that thrived, despite great struggle, by being close knit.
There is a stark contrast between modern ideas of connection, and traditional understanding of connection. Moderns tend to focus on the intentional, and move that intention towards pleasing by giving and taking pleasure, rather than sharing close space, work, warmth, books, and the time required to make those unintentional, sporadic connections through small talk throughout the day.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 starkly contrasts with our quid pro quo mentality. Everything is shared, by habit more than intention: work, warmth, covering/protection, so that the majority of life is lived in close proximity to our liturgical partners, with the implication that prayer, reading, and the conversation enjoined by Deut 6 and Jos 1:8. The absence of liturgy in Church (and consequently the absence of mystical union) has a lot to do with convenience attendence and drifting away
I use "liturgical" intentionally, because it's literal translation means "common work," "shared work." Everything in life is shared in communion, whether a fellowship of suffering, or a fellowship of joy. Pleasure is not something to be given or taken, but something to be shared. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn."
Those lines are rotely read and repeated, like that slot machine you refer to, but they are lines of condemnation against this culture--between those lines in Rom 12 is the call in Revelation: "come out of her my people."
We have to set our intention against worldly intention and embrace the communion of the saints, especially that small communion of pairing we see in Gen 2, with Christ's disciples, and eschatologically in Isaiah 34 and Psalms 45, 127, 144.
Note that many have misinterpreted Christ's meaning, "like the angels in heaven," with a gnostic spiritualism. I have a mischievous inclination to ask such people if God intends us to live in foursomes like Ezekiel's cherubim :).
It really does come down to habitually and persistently being together without distractions, in a purposeful common work, warmth, covering, comforting. If you look carefully at the stories of "promised land intimacy" displayed in the stories of Rahab and Salmon, Ruth and Boaz, you will see a mutual responsiveness that "shakes the heavens and the earth" (hint: Rahab is the Prov 31 woman--her story is there and implicitly in Ruth, who reminds Boaz of his mother).
This was fantastic — such a delicate balance between deep, heart-felt, and personal stories with some serious evidence based and logically sound arguments. Wow!
The need for community may be one of the primary ways in which “man is made in the image of God” — God being a “community” of persons Himself: a total exchange of Love. And the necessary suffering of being part of this community is made apparent when God becomes man and suffers so greatly to make the whole work part of this “community”.
I absolutely love this explanation, ‘Put another way, if we’re feeling down, the assumption is that dopamine will lift us up. In actuality, this is like trying to relieve a headache by taking Claritin.’
But your article really helped me understand the science behind how the human brain works. Thank you for writing a thorough and actually quite technical essay - I learned so much. 🙏🏼
Thank you for this essay, Griffin.
You write, "So then, rather than give up or get cynical, I’ve tried to keep a new question in focus: how do we build deep enough commitments that we stick with our communities through thick and thin?"
I know this isn't a popular answer in our current cultural moment, but I think that something that helps is not being able to so easily leave a community. One way that communities were held together in the past was through geography, and the often insurmountable costs of moving away from a geographically-bound community.
No man is an island, as you note, but I live on a very small island. It's not like it's impossible to come and go, but it's much harder than it is in, say, the continental USA. I think this helps us to love our neighbors more.
One especially vivid example: in 2020, our island's response to pre-vaccine, pre-drug COVID was to shut down external travel to the island. So you could leave, but it was difficult (not impossible) to come back. This did allow us to live in a COVID-free bubble, with just five cases between January 2020 and December 2021. There was no masking, social distancing, lockdowns, etc. So, that was cool--but it also meant that no one could really go anywhere, and our tourist-sector economy was really suffering.
So what do you do with the neighbor who's really getting on your nerves with his horrible music? Invite him to play at the party you're throwing. What do you say to the neighbor who you're fighting with over vaccinations? That you would be honored to help with her community-wide cleanup. It's not like you have anything else to do, or anyone else to hang out with. You'd better learn to love your neighbor, or you will be really bored.
Wow that’s truly such a good point. I’ve never considered the way spatial/geographical smallness could bolster relationships but that’s such a good point. Thanks so much for sharing this!!
Thank you, Griffin! I wrote more about connections with real life people on my island (vs. online interactions) and loving people in a community despite their faults here:
https://doctrixperiwinkle.substack.com/p/you-are-a-tourist
Love these insights. I have been thinking along the same lines when considering generosity. For pretty much my entire life I’ve heard some version of “if Christians only gave more”, almost always with the undercurrent being Christians aren’t generous enough - or greedy. I think rather than more law (you should do more) we need more joy (giving is better than receiving). And a key component to experiencing this joy is relational giving (less people between your gift and the recipient). That’s my hypothesis anyways :)
Absolutely agree! That’s such a beautiful thought.
this is amazing. Thank you. I am a priest, and I'm always trying to share what I call 'practical theology'. Not the academics, but why should people care that God exists, that God loves them. What does this have to do with their everyday lives. I SO appreciate your practical theology here.
Thank you!!
Wonderful deep dive! Community and suffering. That checks out in my experience!
A site I haven't read lately, but ten years ago I would read their every post, is Spiritual Friendship. Same sex attracted Christians, Catholic, Orthodox, and some Protestants, who know that God has called them to celibacy (or heterosexual marriage). They write beautifully, achingly, about friendship and lived Christian community. One story, I think from Westley Hill, though I can't remember now, was of a family who befriended an older woman in their apartment complex and adopted her as a grandmother to their children. When they were offered a job promotion in another state they said, "We couldn't move away and leave her." And they didn't.
Spiritual Friendship had many stories of single people and families living intertwined lives (sometimes as housemates even), where the single person becomes like an aunt or uncle to the children and the married couple are like siblings to the single person. Reading these stories inspired us to be open to housemates in our married lives. We had one housemate for four months as she was moving away to get married and one for nine months, as she was moving into our town to get married. Now that we have kids we haven't had another housemate, but we've hosted weekend guests we've never met before a number of times, often an out of town boyfriend or girlfriend of someone we know.
Once we found our community, we have made a commitment to this place (and to a few block neighborhood) and have not taken job offers that would be much more lucrative, but would require us to move. Quite the opposite, I convinced my brother to move here and my mother to move here. We've had other people tell us that coming to Friday dinner and Bible Study and finding this community of friends caused them to turn down prestigious job offers far away, because what could compare to the Christian community we have here? It's moving to hear them express what this community has meant to them!
“It’s easier to stay sober, resist temptation, and live a moral life when we’re living in genuine connection to a loving community”. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This was excellent Griffin -- and I loved that you take the conversation beyond dopamine to oxytocin! It's true, we may be influenced a lot by our hormones, but those hormones reflect our real world behavior and relationships. Investing in the 'deeper' things means getting access to that 'deeper' contentment hormone that makes us all happy. I especially love the story from the study about the man and his wife and the many ups and downs -- and how they're still very happy. It shows that there is a 'peace that surpasses all understanding.' I'm going to be thinking about all this for a while! And thanks for the shout out!!
Thanks so much Katie that's so kind of you!! And your article was truly incredible.
As I read this, I thought of something I once heard Matthew McConaughey say: "Reality is a bit of an underdog right now."
I start to notice that the organic things in my life don't satisfy me like that which is synthetic. My real relationships aren't as charming and amusing as a sitcom. Sexuality isn't as intense and passionate as what's portrayed on a screen. Even nature isn't as awe-inspiring as the photos when you factor in the volume of other tourists you have to contend with.
Where I'm often left is questioning why I should even get out of bed when I can pump digital-dopamine directly into the veins of my cognition without all of the hassle. The answer I've found, is because I've created a poor metric for what matters in life. What matters, and as you've thoroughly illustrated, is not merely satiation of my neurochemical cravings- it's to connect to something beyond myself. To God, to people, to the world. Not because it's easy, but because it's actually real. Because I'm called to die to myself, and that can't happen if I'm unrealized potential, just waiting for my next fix of fleeting satisfaction. And this is the real tragedy of addiction- it not only comes about because of disconnection and alienation, but it can cause a loss of appetite for meaning and connection altogether.
I appreciate your efforts to elucidate an antidote.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Ian! I'm so sorry if the neurochemical satiation bit has been a struggle for you. I can personally relate to that so much. I'll be praying that you find that kind of intentional community. And I also appreciate your feedback so very much.
Thanks for this article. It makes me want to read the rest of the series.
I'm a couple months from 70, and have a wife and 6 children that I'm not close to. And have a genuine faith, but it's primarily academic and theological. So all this talk of meaningful relationships hits home. I have 5 friends, but only interact with them every couple months, so while the friendships are genuine, they aren't necessarily supportive. I've got a near obsession with writing an autobiography to tell my kids all the things I wish I had said when they were young. But I think it's primarily a substitute for relational closeness, and more for my own therapudic benefit than anything they will appreciate.
Keep up the edifying writing.
Mark, sorry to read this. I pray that God brings reconciliation in those relationships.
Fascinating study, also fascinating comment on it.
There are so many ways God has permitted, nay encouraged, us to do this-to give up our attraction to material things, to value the unseen [like relationships], to set aside time for useless things like worship and fellowship. A decidedly secular voice reinforces what God's already told us to do. [Of course, as soon as you insert "God" into people get their hackles up.]
This was a thoroughly researched essay. Thank you for the insights about connection. The opposite of addiction truly is connection. 🙏
Excellent piece.
Late reading this, but this is a beautiful article focusing on something so many of us fail to realize, or forget about, in our day.
This is a great article, particularly the longevity study--especially the narrative of the family that thrived, despite great struggle, by being close knit.
There is a stark contrast between modern ideas of connection, and traditional understanding of connection. Moderns tend to focus on the intentional, and move that intention towards pleasing by giving and taking pleasure, rather than sharing close space, work, warmth, books, and the time required to make those unintentional, sporadic connections through small talk throughout the day.
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 starkly contrasts with our quid pro quo mentality. Everything is shared, by habit more than intention: work, warmth, covering/protection, so that the majority of life is lived in close proximity to our liturgical partners, with the implication that prayer, reading, and the conversation enjoined by Deut 6 and Jos 1:8. The absence of liturgy in Church (and consequently the absence of mystical union) has a lot to do with convenience attendence and drifting away
I use "liturgical" intentionally, because it's literal translation means "common work," "shared work." Everything in life is shared in communion, whether a fellowship of suffering, or a fellowship of joy. Pleasure is not something to be given or taken, but something to be shared. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn."
Those lines are rotely read and repeated, like that slot machine you refer to, but they are lines of condemnation against this culture--between those lines in Rom 12 is the call in Revelation: "come out of her my people."
We have to set our intention against worldly intention and embrace the communion of the saints, especially that small communion of pairing we see in Gen 2, with Christ's disciples, and eschatologically in Isaiah 34 and Psalms 45, 127, 144.
Note that many have misinterpreted Christ's meaning, "like the angels in heaven," with a gnostic spiritualism. I have a mischievous inclination to ask such people if God intends us to live in foursomes like Ezekiel's cherubim :).
It really does come down to habitually and persistently being together without distractions, in a purposeful common work, warmth, covering, comforting. If you look carefully at the stories of "promised land intimacy" displayed in the stories of Rahab and Salmon, Ruth and Boaz, you will see a mutual responsiveness that "shakes the heavens and the earth" (hint: Rahab is the Prov 31 woman--her story is there and implicitly in Ruth, who reminds Boaz of his mother).
This was fantastic — such a delicate balance between deep, heart-felt, and personal stories with some serious evidence based and logically sound arguments. Wow!
The need for community may be one of the primary ways in which “man is made in the image of God” — God being a “community” of persons Himself: a total exchange of Love. And the necessary suffering of being part of this community is made apparent when God becomes man and suffers so greatly to make the whole work part of this “community”.
I absolutely love this explanation, ‘Put another way, if we’re feeling down, the assumption is that dopamine will lift us up. In actuality, this is like trying to relieve a headache by taking Claritin.’
I’ve been trying to limit my dopamine by improving my connection with people and the world around me - you can read more about it here, if you’re interested https://wheredidyasmingo.substack.com/p/the-extraordinary-magic-of-a-simple
But your article really helped me understand the science behind how the human brain works. Thank you for writing a thorough and actually quite technical essay - I learned so much. 🙏🏼
Wow, this is so good!! I am grateful for the words you’ve written and those you have quoted.
Thank you Debi!