You write, "So then, rather than give up or get cynical, I’ve tried to keep a new question in focus: how do we build deep enough commitments that we stick with our communities through thick and thin?"
I know this isn't a popular answer in our current cultural moment, but I think that something that helps is not being able to so easily leave a community. One way that communities were held together in the past was through geography, and the often insurmountable costs of moving away from a geographically-bound community.
No man is an island, as you note, but I live on a very small island. It's not like it's impossible to come and go, but it's much harder than it is in, say, the continental USA. I think this helps us to love our neighbors more.
One especially vivid example: in 2020, our island's response to pre-vaccine, pre-drug COVID was to shut down external travel to the island. So you could leave, but it was difficult (not impossible) to come back. This did allow us to live in a COVID-free bubble, with just five cases between January 2020 and December 2021. There was no masking, social distancing, lockdowns, etc. So, that was cool--but it also meant that no one could really go anywhere, and our tourist-sector economy was really suffering.
So what do you do with the neighbor who's really getting on your nerves with his horrible music? Invite him to play at the party you're throwing. What do you say to the neighbor who you're fighting with over vaccinations? That you would be honored to help with her community-wide cleanup. It's not like you have anything else to do, or anyone else to hang out with. You'd better learn to love your neighbor, or you will be really bored.
Wow that’s truly such a good point. I’ve never considered the way spatial/geographical smallness could bolster relationships but that’s such a good point. Thanks so much for sharing this!!
Thank you, Griffin! I wrote more about connections with real life people on my island (vs. online interactions) and loving people in a community despite their faults here:
Love these insights. I have been thinking along the same lines when considering generosity. For pretty much my entire life I’ve heard some version of “if Christians only gave more”, almost always with the undercurrent being Christians aren’t generous enough - or greedy. I think rather than more law (you should do more) we need more joy (giving is better than receiving). And a key component to experiencing this joy is relational giving (less people between your gift and the recipient). That’s my hypothesis anyways :)
this is amazing. Thank you. I am a priest, and I'm always trying to share what I call 'practical theology'. Not the academics, but why should people care that God exists, that God loves them. What does this have to do with their everyday lives. I SO appreciate your practical theology here.
Wonderful deep dive! Community and suffering. That checks out in my experience!
A site I haven't read lately, but ten years ago I would read their every post, is Spiritual Friendship. Same sex attracted Christians, Catholic, Orthodox, and some Protestants, who know that God has called them to celibacy (or heterosexual marriage). They write beautifully, achingly, about friendship and lived Christian community. One story, I think from Westley Hill, though I can't remember now, was of a family who befriended an older woman in their apartment complex and adopted her as a grandmother to their children. When they were offered a job promotion in another state they said, "We couldn't move away and leave her." And they didn't.
Spiritual Friendship had many stories of single people and families living intertwined lives (sometimes as housemates even), where the single person becomes like an aunt or uncle to the children and the married couple are like siblings to the single person. Reading these stories inspired us to be open to housemates in our married lives. We had one housemate for four months as she was moving away to get married and one for nine months, as she was moving into our town to get married. Now that we have kids we haven't had another housemate, but we've hosted weekend guests we've never met before a number of times, often an out of town boyfriend or girlfriend of someone we know.
Once we found our community, we have made a commitment to this place (and to a few block neighborhood) and have not taken job offers that would be much more lucrative, but would require us to move. Quite the opposite, I convinced my brother to move here and my mother to move here. We've had other people tell us that coming to Friday dinner and Bible Study and finding this community of friends caused them to turn down prestigious job offers far away, because what could compare to the Christian community we have here? It's moving to hear them express what this community has meant to them!
This was excellent Griffin -- and I loved that you take the conversation beyond dopamine to oxytocin! It's true, we may be influenced a lot by our hormones, but those hormones reflect our real world behavior and relationships. Investing in the 'deeper' things means getting access to that 'deeper' contentment hormone that makes us all happy. I especially love the story from the study about the man and his wife and the many ups and downs -- and how they're still very happy. It shows that there is a 'peace that surpasses all understanding.' I'm going to be thinking about all this for a while! And thanks for the shout out!!
As I read this, I thought of something I once heard Matthew McConaughey say: "Reality is a bit of an underdog right now."
I start to notice that the organic things in my life don't satisfy me like that which is synthetic. My real relationships aren't as charming and amusing as a sitcom. Sexuality isn't as intense and passionate as what's portrayed on a screen. Even nature isn't as awe-inspiring as the photos when you factor in the volume of other tourists you have to contend with.
Where I'm often left is questioning why I should even get out of bed when I can pump digital-dopamine directly into the veins of my cognition without all of the hassle. The answer I've found, is because I've created a poor metric for what matters in life. What matters, and as you've thoroughly illustrated, is not merely satiation of my neurochemical cravings- it's to connect to something beyond myself. To God, to people, to the world. Not because it's easy, but because it's actually real. Because I'm called to die to myself, and that can't happen if I'm unrealized potential, just waiting for my next fix of fleeting satisfaction. And this is the real tragedy of addiction- it not only comes about because of disconnection and alienation, but it can cause a loss of appetite for meaning and connection altogether.
I appreciate your efforts to elucidate an antidote.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Ian! I'm so sorry if the neurochemical satiation bit has been a struggle for you. I can personally relate to that so much. I'll be praying that you find that kind of intentional community. And I also appreciate your feedback so very much.
Thanks for this article. It makes me want to read the rest of the series.
I'm a couple months from 70, and have a wife and 6 children that I'm not close to. And have a genuine faith, but it's primarily academic and theological. So all this talk of meaningful relationships hits home. I have 5 friends, but only interact with them every couple months, so while the friendships are genuine, they aren't necessarily supportive. I've got a near obsession with writing an autobiography to tell my kids all the things I wish I had said when they were young. But I think it's primarily a substitute for relational closeness, and more for my own therapudic benefit than anything they will appreciate.
Fascinating study, also fascinating comment on it.
There are so many ways God has permitted, nay encouraged, us to do this-to give up our attraction to material things, to value the unseen [like relationships], to set aside time for useless things like worship and fellowship. A decidedly secular voice reinforces what God's already told us to do. [Of course, as soon as you insert "God" into people get their hackles up.]
I absolutely love this explanation, ‘Put another way, if we’re feeling down, the assumption is that dopamine will lift us up. In actuality, this is like trying to relieve a headache by taking Claritin.’
But your article really helped me understand the science behind how the human brain works. Thank you for writing a thorough and actually quite technical essay - I learned so much. 🙏🏼
Love this, Griffin! It reminds me of how valuable my cohort was while I was in seminary. My school worked hard to cultivate a community of students and my cohort took that assignment and ran. We still have deep connections even as we’ve started graduating. I could not have gotten through school without them!!
When I joined the Orthodox Church and became a Christian, it took me a while to fully understand that our salvation is a corporate undertaking. As my understanding of this grew, I make an intentional and concerted effort for the first time in my adult life to become part of the parish community. This was not easy for me as I am an only child and an introvert by nature. But for the first time in my life I have connections with people who sincerely care about my well-being.
I read and interesting book about 15 years ago titled, What Happy People Know," and the message of the research discussed therein was that acts of philanthropy, using our time, talents, or treasure to help others, was the key factor in creating a feeling of happiness in life. I think this ties in a complements what you discuss in this article, as acts of philanthropy often involves others who are receiving our kindness and that means sacrifice on behalf of the others in the name of love.
Thank you for this essay, Griffin.
You write, "So then, rather than give up or get cynical, I’ve tried to keep a new question in focus: how do we build deep enough commitments that we stick with our communities through thick and thin?"
I know this isn't a popular answer in our current cultural moment, but I think that something that helps is not being able to so easily leave a community. One way that communities were held together in the past was through geography, and the often insurmountable costs of moving away from a geographically-bound community.
No man is an island, as you note, but I live on a very small island. It's not like it's impossible to come and go, but it's much harder than it is in, say, the continental USA. I think this helps us to love our neighbors more.
One especially vivid example: in 2020, our island's response to pre-vaccine, pre-drug COVID was to shut down external travel to the island. So you could leave, but it was difficult (not impossible) to come back. This did allow us to live in a COVID-free bubble, with just five cases between January 2020 and December 2021. There was no masking, social distancing, lockdowns, etc. So, that was cool--but it also meant that no one could really go anywhere, and our tourist-sector economy was really suffering.
So what do you do with the neighbor who's really getting on your nerves with his horrible music? Invite him to play at the party you're throwing. What do you say to the neighbor who you're fighting with over vaccinations? That you would be honored to help with her community-wide cleanup. It's not like you have anything else to do, or anyone else to hang out with. You'd better learn to love your neighbor, or you will be really bored.
Wow that’s truly such a good point. I’ve never considered the way spatial/geographical smallness could bolster relationships but that’s such a good point. Thanks so much for sharing this!!
Thank you, Griffin! I wrote more about connections with real life people on my island (vs. online interactions) and loving people in a community despite their faults here:
https://doctrixperiwinkle.substack.com/p/you-are-a-tourist
Love these insights. I have been thinking along the same lines when considering generosity. For pretty much my entire life I’ve heard some version of “if Christians only gave more”, almost always with the undercurrent being Christians aren’t generous enough - or greedy. I think rather than more law (you should do more) we need more joy (giving is better than receiving). And a key component to experiencing this joy is relational giving (less people between your gift and the recipient). That’s my hypothesis anyways :)
Absolutely agree! That’s such a beautiful thought.
this is amazing. Thank you. I am a priest, and I'm always trying to share what I call 'practical theology'. Not the academics, but why should people care that God exists, that God loves them. What does this have to do with their everyday lives. I SO appreciate your practical theology here.
Thank you!!
Wonderful deep dive! Community and suffering. That checks out in my experience!
A site I haven't read lately, but ten years ago I would read their every post, is Spiritual Friendship. Same sex attracted Christians, Catholic, Orthodox, and some Protestants, who know that God has called them to celibacy (or heterosexual marriage). They write beautifully, achingly, about friendship and lived Christian community. One story, I think from Westley Hill, though I can't remember now, was of a family who befriended an older woman in their apartment complex and adopted her as a grandmother to their children. When they were offered a job promotion in another state they said, "We couldn't move away and leave her." And they didn't.
Spiritual Friendship had many stories of single people and families living intertwined lives (sometimes as housemates even), where the single person becomes like an aunt or uncle to the children and the married couple are like siblings to the single person. Reading these stories inspired us to be open to housemates in our married lives. We had one housemate for four months as she was moving away to get married and one for nine months, as she was moving into our town to get married. Now that we have kids we haven't had another housemate, but we've hosted weekend guests we've never met before a number of times, often an out of town boyfriend or girlfriend of someone we know.
Once we found our community, we have made a commitment to this place (and to a few block neighborhood) and have not taken job offers that would be much more lucrative, but would require us to move. Quite the opposite, I convinced my brother to move here and my mother to move here. We've had other people tell us that coming to Friday dinner and Bible Study and finding this community of friends caused them to turn down prestigious job offers far away, because what could compare to the Christian community we have here? It's moving to hear them express what this community has meant to them!
“It’s easier to stay sober, resist temptation, and live a moral life when we’re living in genuine connection to a loving community”. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This was excellent Griffin -- and I loved that you take the conversation beyond dopamine to oxytocin! It's true, we may be influenced a lot by our hormones, but those hormones reflect our real world behavior and relationships. Investing in the 'deeper' things means getting access to that 'deeper' contentment hormone that makes us all happy. I especially love the story from the study about the man and his wife and the many ups and downs -- and how they're still very happy. It shows that there is a 'peace that surpasses all understanding.' I'm going to be thinking about all this for a while! And thanks for the shout out!!
Thanks so much Katie that's so kind of you!! And your article was truly incredible.
As I read this, I thought of something I once heard Matthew McConaughey say: "Reality is a bit of an underdog right now."
I start to notice that the organic things in my life don't satisfy me like that which is synthetic. My real relationships aren't as charming and amusing as a sitcom. Sexuality isn't as intense and passionate as what's portrayed on a screen. Even nature isn't as awe-inspiring as the photos when you factor in the volume of other tourists you have to contend with.
Where I'm often left is questioning why I should even get out of bed when I can pump digital-dopamine directly into the veins of my cognition without all of the hassle. The answer I've found, is because I've created a poor metric for what matters in life. What matters, and as you've thoroughly illustrated, is not merely satiation of my neurochemical cravings- it's to connect to something beyond myself. To God, to people, to the world. Not because it's easy, but because it's actually real. Because I'm called to die to myself, and that can't happen if I'm unrealized potential, just waiting for my next fix of fleeting satisfaction. And this is the real tragedy of addiction- it not only comes about because of disconnection and alienation, but it can cause a loss of appetite for meaning and connection altogether.
I appreciate your efforts to elucidate an antidote.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Ian! I'm so sorry if the neurochemical satiation bit has been a struggle for you. I can personally relate to that so much. I'll be praying that you find that kind of intentional community. And I also appreciate your feedback so very much.
Thanks for this article. It makes me want to read the rest of the series.
I'm a couple months from 70, and have a wife and 6 children that I'm not close to. And have a genuine faith, but it's primarily academic and theological. So all this talk of meaningful relationships hits home. I have 5 friends, but only interact with them every couple months, so while the friendships are genuine, they aren't necessarily supportive. I've got a near obsession with writing an autobiography to tell my kids all the things I wish I had said when they were young. But I think it's primarily a substitute for relational closeness, and more for my own therapudic benefit than anything they will appreciate.
Keep up the edifying writing.
Mark, sorry to read this. I pray that God brings reconciliation in those relationships.
Fascinating study, also fascinating comment on it.
There are so many ways God has permitted, nay encouraged, us to do this-to give up our attraction to material things, to value the unseen [like relationships], to set aside time for useless things like worship and fellowship. A decidedly secular voice reinforces what God's already told us to do. [Of course, as soon as you insert "God" into people get their hackles up.]
This was a thoroughly researched essay. Thank you for the insights about connection. The opposite of addiction truly is connection. 🙏
I absolutely love this explanation, ‘Put another way, if we’re feeling down, the assumption is that dopamine will lift us up. In actuality, this is like trying to relieve a headache by taking Claritin.’
I’ve been trying to limit my dopamine by improving my connection with people and the world around me - you can read more about it here, if you’re interested https://wheredidyasmingo.substack.com/p/the-extraordinary-magic-of-a-simple
But your article really helped me understand the science behind how the human brain works. Thank you for writing a thorough and actually quite technical essay - I learned so much. 🙏🏼
Wow, this is so good!! I am grateful for the words you’ve written and those you have quoted.
Thank you Debi!
Wow. This is excellent. It’s what I’m finding over and over again in therapy and in ministry. You explained it perfectly!
thanks so much for reading!!
Love this, Griffin! It reminds me of how valuable my cohort was while I was in seminary. My school worked hard to cultivate a community of students and my cohort took that assignment and ran. We still have deep connections even as we’ve started graduating. I could not have gotten through school without them!!
That’s amazing! So happy you liked it!!
When I joined the Orthodox Church and became a Christian, it took me a while to fully understand that our salvation is a corporate undertaking. As my understanding of this grew, I make an intentional and concerted effort for the first time in my adult life to become part of the parish community. This was not easy for me as I am an only child and an introvert by nature. But for the first time in my life I have connections with people who sincerely care about my well-being.
I read and interesting book about 15 years ago titled, What Happy People Know," and the message of the research discussed therein was that acts of philanthropy, using our time, talents, or treasure to help others, was the key factor in creating a feeling of happiness in life. I think this ties in a complements what you discuss in this article, as acts of philanthropy often involves others who are receiving our kindness and that means sacrifice on behalf of the others in the name of love.
Thanks for sharing that! I hope you enjoyed the article. Also that sounds like a very interesting book!
Yes, it was. Because of your interest in this top, I think you will find it a very worthwhile read. https://www.amazon.com/What-Happy-People-Know-Happiness/dp/0312321597
Excellent article!
Thanks!